Chapter five
Typos

A few minutes before Raelynna arrived…

The bar is much the same as it always has been. Tables, chairs, people dancing – a goblin music machine sat in the corner where people could feed it coin and pick out songs.

The bartender looks to be in a rather delightful mood as the evening picks up steam. People are ordering drinks, ships are coming in, couples are dancing and kissing, and by all rights, one would never be able to tell anything at all was amiss.

Zen scans the crowd and spots his target. (Only Gnome in here… makes it easy.) He glances to his owl perched on his shoulder then looks up to the rafters with subtle lift his chin. Lookout nods then takes off finding a perch out of harms reach. The Druid taps a button on his goggles causing an image from a small camera worn on Lookout’s head to appear in the peripheral of his vision. From his vantage point, both Lookout and Zen could see most of the establishment entrances, exits, potential threats etc. It’s a bit like having eyes in the back of one’s head as the old saying goes.

He slowly approaches his target a Gnome fitting the description, seated at a poker table playing a few hands with two Goblins who look to be winning and therefore possibly cheating based on the piles of chips they have, a Dwarven lady, and a rather sizeable Tauren. (How to do this?) Zen ponders as he finds a seat at nearby table and picks up a menu to help him blend in and perhaps order some chicken wings. (Well I could just walk up behind him and tazik him but that would startle the crowd… I could try arranging for something to end up in his drink to knock him out… perhaps follow him to the bathroom and try to ambush him there…) sighs a bit (Slow and BORING I should just go over there say “Hey Mountaintop SI7 wants ya come quietly or else…” whistle pointing a flamethrower at him and getting my wings to go.) He laughs a bit that last option was absolutely insane… though it would be the quickest and his new issue of ‘Explosives aficionado quarterly’ should be there by the time he gets home.

With his weapon drawn he kicks the back of the Gnomes chair “Hey Mountain top SI7 wants ya come quietly or else…” he places the tip of his hand held flame thrower at the back of the Gnomes head. The tavern falls silent and all eyes turn to the sudden disruption. The Gnome slowly turns his voice quivering with fear as he asks “Who’s Mountaintop?” Zen starts to respond but then notices something that he should have checked before and now felt like cursing himself because he hadn’t. The Gnomes eyes are normal, not blue like a Death Knights. The Druid quickly glances around the room every pair of eyes meeting his was normal except… He turns to face the Tauren who is at the moment standing up… and up… and up till his head literally hits the ceiling with such force bits plaster come loose and fall down. This monster of a Tauren looks down at Zen with his Death Knight eyes.

Zen has just enough time to think (Well the name ‘Mountaintop’ makes so much more sense now.) before having to leap out of the way as Mountaintop brings up his runeblade through the poker table as if it was paper attempting to slash the Druid. Panic spreads throughout the tavern like wild fire. Patrons are screaming and trying to get to the doors. The Death Knight slashes at the Druid horizontally Zen jumps and leans back but the tip of the blade slices through his chest, he screams in pain as a spalter of his blood hits the wall next to him. Mountaintop brings his blade above his head for a vertical slice the heavily armored Tauren being surprisingly nimble and quick. The Druid shifts to cat form and runs between the Death Knight’s legs narrowly avoiding losing his tail as the blade comes down with a thunderous crash splitting the floor. The Druid shifts back to his Elven form and squeezes his right hand into a fist causing the armor-piercing spikes on the Tazik shocker built into his glove to deploy. Zen slams the spikes into his enemy’s back and releases a high amperage but non-lethal electric charge. Mountaintop doesn’t even so much as wince. It was like an elephant to a mosquito.

The Tauren spins around and grabs Zen lifting him up like a child’s doll. The Death Knight’s massive hand grasping the Druid’s entire torso. Zen struggles to free himself as Mountaintop gives him a squeeze which actually causes the Druid to squeak like a chew toy. This draws a laugh from the Tauern. The Druid grits his teeth in anger “Okay screw bringing him in alive.” he states as he takes a remote control from his belt and presses a button. Mountaintop looks at him in a confused manner as nothing happens at first and he gives his Druid plaything another squeeze. The Druid smirks as the sound of an approaching engine grows loud enough to be heard over the chaos. With a loud crash Zen’s chopper comes flying in through the window striking Mountaintop knocking him to the floor causing him to release the Druid.

Zen takes a moment to catch his breath as Mountaintop raises his head displaying the tire mark it now bears going right up his forehead. The chopper slides to a stop in front of the Druid who takes his rocket launcher from the rack on the side takes aim at his target and fires just as the Tauren get’s back up to his feet and uses his Bone shield ability to protect himself. The rocket hits and explodes sending the target flying backwards crashing through tables, a support beam and the outer wall. Zen feels his wound it’s still gushing and he feels himself starting to get dizzy. He tries to cast a healing spell on himself but finds himself unable to do so. An invisible hand grips his throat preventing him from speaking as Mountaintop, who much to Zen’s surprise, isn’t dead… well he is… Death Knight and all but the ‘no longer trying to kill him’ sort of dead, walks back through the hole his forced exit had just created.

“What do you have freaking god-mode enabled?!” The Druid yells after the Death Knights Asphyxiate power wears off. The Tauren smirks and reaches out with his free hand a gesture Zen recognises as part of using the Deathgrip ability, he ducks down behind his chopper hoping to avoid the attack only to have his cover lifted and brought flying over to the Tauren. Zen has just a moment to think how foolish his enemy is surely there was no way he could actually… Mountaintop catch the chopper and lifts it over his head. Son of a &$%$ he can! “Hey that’s my favorite chopper put it down!” Zen yells and after a moment adds “Gently or else!” With a loud grunt the Tauren throws the beloved vehicle at it’s owner forcing him to duck out of the way behind a table. His hands shaking from anger and blood loss Zen loads another rocket into his launcher “Oh that guy is SO dead!”

When Raelynna arrives…

The scene in the bar is quite the contrast from even moments earlier. There is smoke wafting from piles of shrapnel – tell tale signs of explosive rounds. Tables have been turned over, legs broken off of chairs and used as bludgeoning weapons. At one point it looks like someone tried to use one as a stake. Most of the glassware is broken and littering the floor. One of the only still free standing structures – a table – is now giving shelter to Zen. He looks pretty beaten up. He is bleeding from several places. The music machine in the corner was hit so hard that it is no permanently on and seems to be stick on a very light and bubbly dance number – In a loop on the chorus. The words to the song are ironically about a man and a woman falling in love and dancing the night away.

The crowd of people in the building look beyond terrified at this moment – though due to the poorly thought out evacuation process – are now stuck inside to bear witness to the carnage.

Zen takes a pair of grenades from his belt flips the switches and throws them towards Mountaintop. The Tauren brings his massive arms up and uses another Bone shield to protect himself, despite these measures the explosives take their toll and knock the behemoth of his hooves.

As all of this is going on, under the chaos the clip clop of hooves walking on wood can be heard coming from behind him. She barrels her way through the crowd and she wraps her arms around his chest, pulling him backward so they both land on the floor. Not saying a word, she pulls him to hide behind one of the knocked over tables for a moment’s rest.

She begins to look him over – tearing her dress at the hem to create a makeshift bandage. she works quickly to apply pressure, letting her healing waters wash away some of the blood and debris. Zen smiles as he see her. “Hey fancy meeting you here.” With a bit a chuckle he adds “Again.”

She smiles softly at him “Foxy made sure I could get to you. I need to tell you though – before I came in here, I put explosives at all the weak points on the building.” She tosses him the detonator “I think that it would be in our best interest to make a speedy exit.” Zen takes the detonator with a determined nod and a silent thank you to Foxy he stands back up wincing a bit as he does. Rae’s treatment and Shaman magic had helped but he was far from one hundred percent.

“We have to get those civilians out of here. I’ll buy you some time, cover your eyes Rae.” As she does Zen takes a Flashbang from his belt and throws it at the enemy just as he is about of charge hitting him right on the nose. The device explodes into a blinding flash of light causing the giant Tauren to stumble around blindly swinging his sword in hope of hitting something. “I’ve got Cowzilla covered, go!” He yells as takes his flamethrower and charges his enemy.

With that Rae jumps up on the bar and looks out over the crowd. Her dress was torn in some places, and was hanging off of her. “Everyone – This building is no longer safe. If you want to stay alive – Follow me!” She directs traffic as best she can, disappearing into the crowd. Almost like she is herding everyone out of the building to safety. When the last person was safely out, she looks at Zen, grabs him by the collar and gives him a quick kiss before running out the door. Lookout swoops down from the rafters and follows her out.

Mountaintop hears a soft whistle just as his vision start to return through the fog of the blinding flash he can see Zen holding some sort of device. With a smirk the Druid states “I think I’d prefer you well-done.” then bathes the Taurens face in flame causing him to scream in pain. As the Tauren writhes in agony again the Druid shifts to cat form and dashes through one of the many holes they’ve created during the course of the battle. Once he’s outside he shifts back turns to see Mountaintop trying to use Deathgrip again. Without mercy or hesitation Zen presses the button on detonator Rae gave him. The sounds of explosions fill the air and the docks of Booty Bay rock as if there was an earthquake the building collapses entombing Mountaintop with only his hand sticking out from beneath the rubble.

“Yeah… take that…” The Druid cheers meekly as he starts to wobble on his feet. “Man I should have said something clever like… time to take the house … do–” Before he can finish his quip the world goes dark and falls to the ground.

Chapter 6
So that’s why he’s like that…

“Zen!” She catches his body before it becomes dead weight and falls to the ground. “Zen! Now is NOT a time to be taking a nap!” She shook him and a visible worried look comes across her face as she began to panic. “Zen! Wake up…please wake up!” her breathing became shallow and panicked. She quickly tried to access everything she had ever been taught about anatomy. Where to punch, specific places to jab to break bones. How to disable a man permanently without a trace. Almost everything she had ever been taught was how to hurt someone.

“Electrical impulses when properly applied should jump start his brain if he has lost part of that…” Without checking to see if he was breathing, she placed her hands on either side of his head and channeled a call to lightning that was probably somewhere between dangerous and overkill.

As the shock passed through him the Druid woke up screaming “Gahh… great googly-moogly giant soding bollocks of flaming fire!!!” He immediately hopped up, his hair looking like something out of a cartoon. She looked up at him and blinked, very calm. “I’m sorry. I was merely rebooting your nervous system…You collapsed. Besides, stimulation like that is good for formation of new neural pathways in test subjects. It also resets your brain's pleasure centers. I think you will find you are much less grumpy.” She clearly doesn’t know that she has done anything wrong, or that it was even possibly overkill. He responds speaking in a thick Gilnean accent “Jolly good love. Right-o.”

The awkward pair didn’t have much of a place to run, as three rather large men closed in on them from all angles, quickly closing any window of opportunity they had to escape. One of them spoke into a small communication device “Test subject 1337 has been cornered. Looks like we have a bonus tram wreck you may be able to use as well. Her secrecy has likely been compromised – might be best to take her and the bonus test subject as well.” As the men spoke, Rae became visibly panicked. She curled her knees up to her chest, began muttering to herself. Tears streaming down her face.

“Oy what’s this then?!” The Druid exclaimed. He blinked a few times as he realized his own unusual vernacular and tried to shake it off. “Look, mon we be havin a Fel of day here. I done just blowed up a bar don’t ya know.” Rae looks at him and even in her panicked state she just blinks as he speaks. The biggest one looks him over for a good moment before speaking “Do you have any idea who this woman is or are you just some idiot she took in as a pet along the way?” Rae began rocking and muttering to herself as he spoke. Zen rubbed his temples and spoke again this time with a Dwarven flare “Oy! What’cha ramblin about laddie? Who the fok are you all?” The man looked down at Zen and blinked “Nevermind. I think she already fried this one. Must have known we were closing in on her.” As the man was speaking, Zen took the opportunity to reach down to his toolbelt, Looking back at Rae, who was now a complete mess, he turned his attention back to the group of painfully unaware handlers. The Druid shook his head one last time and finally started speaking normally. “Now hold on… hold on.” He holds up his left hand as if surrendering while he uses his right to unhook something from his belt. You called her a ‘test subject’? Does that mean your intent is to take her … and I’m guessing myself alive?” The big one, who looked to be in charge flinched at the change in vocal patterns but responded matter of factly “She is to be taken alive at all costs. You, are just in the way.” “So… I’m guessing none of you guys brought guns then?” Zen smirked as he drew his custom 44 caliber revolver and shot the big one. “Cause I did.”

Rae flinched as the man she had spent her entire life fearing fell to the ground crying like a little child. The other two instinctively ran to his side. Before they knew what had hit them – Rae and Zen were safely back in Ironforge. “Wait…You had a portal the whole time?” She looked at him and blinked. Zen looked around equally confused. “I did?!” The voice of Foxy cleared up the confusion. “No we found a Warlock.”

Rae spoke into her communication device, clearly speaking to Foxy as well “It looks like I owe you both an explanation.” Foxy responded in her usual matter of fact tone “You were taken into custody as a child. Separated from your family. You have spent your whole life in some secret training facility with one of many locations in the Exodar. You never had much interaction with the people who educated you, or anyone else for that matter. You were taught many languages, and over six hundred ways to kill a man of every species known to have sentience. You excelled at engineering, math and oddly enough languages and anatomy, thus lending you an interest in both healing and medical engineering. You are used to going by code number 1337 – as they did not ever allow you all to have names. You broke out two months ago by drugging a rather unfortunate guard and using a dwarf as a battering ram on a door.” Zen interrupted her “Hold on I don’t remember any of this… oh wait you meant her!” He gestures to Rae, Foxy continued “Since then you have been going by the name Raelynna, as it is one of the only memories you possess from your childhood. Am I leaving anything out?” Raelynna responded matter of factly “No…But how did you know about this?” She looked worried. Foxy replied in her usual way “I always research the women in his life. You are oddly enough the least complicated.” Zen thought about this statement and nodded in agreement as Foxy continues “His last girlfriend was a serial killer.” Raelynna’s next question into her communicator was soft and almost pleading “Are you going to make me go back?” Foxy just laughed “Sweetie, kitty here already had his cover blown with you. Besides, we work with some people who may find it very beneficial to speak with you, The people holding you are considered to be a terrorist cell. You are far more valuable to us alive, and kept close.” Zen nodded “I hope everyone was paying attention, that was really important plot stuff.” He pointed as if gesturing into a camera at some random spot in the air.

“Foxy was it?” Rae looked at Zen gesturing into the air and blinked “I Gave Zen a rather powerful shock to the head. He will likely be much less grumpy, but I may have caused some…unforeseen side effects.” Behind her Zen looked around confused “Why are my thoughts in those little boxes?” Rae continued “He appears to be pointing to the air and narrating his life as if he were on some kind of stage – Explaining to an invisible audience?” There is a long pause on the other end. Finally Foxy responded “Well, it can’t be any worse than the baseline schizophrenia and homicidal tendencies we were giving him monthly shots in his sleep for. At least this is mildly entertaining. I trust that you will stay with him tonight?” Zen looked startled “So that’s why I kept getting those night pricks…” Rae looked at Zen and smiled “I suppose you will have to ask him. I don’t have anywhere else to be.” The Druid shrugged “I think there’s a romantic scene coming up, those are always better with a lady present.” He nodded sagely. “I think that was crazy babble for yes.” Foxy spoke to both of them, a kind hearted but frank tone in her voice. Raelynna moved forward and took Zen by the hand, a smile on her face. She led him to the door of his apartment where he meowed in an alarmingly complex sequence and the door opened. The two went in and shared a night together talking and getting to know each other. As the dawn was breaking, both of them exhausted and laying on the bed with undergarments hanging from the ceiling fan, Zen perked up and blurted out “Man that was a great montage. One must wonder what will happen next? Will Rae’s keepers come after her again? Will… um… why did I fight the big Tauren again?” He looked over to Rae with a confused expression. “Honey. It doesn’t matter. You are talking to the air again.” The Druid nodded as he remembered “Right Forsaken terror cell shenanigans. Man… we really need to tie up some of these plot threads. Well, just wait till the next chapter folks, trust me… it will only get weirder. By the way this whole story is supposed to be lulzy and satirical so keep that in mind.” As Zen was laying in bed, talking, apparently to himself, Rae rolled over and kissed him, partly out of genuine affection and partly to shut him up so they could both sleep. They had, as Zen so kookily observed, a long few days ahead of them.

Author Zenru
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