[Cael] Journal: Sorry

Dear Journal, 

I have been bad again. I said I would write more and then things happened and I did not. I am sorry. 

I did not want to think about it. I do not want to think about it. But I end up thinking about it anyways so I may as well write it I think so maybe I will be able to think about other things instead. 

Zenrozem took me captive. 

They say it was only a week. 

I do not remember. I only remember little pieces like before. 

It was very bad. 

For a while I had trouble telling where I was sometimes and if I was still sick becus I was very sick and if this was just a [scratchout] [scratchout] halloosinashun. My nitemares are back. I feel like I am worse somehow. I think he broke me again like before in Orgrimmar. 

I think he made me be the wolf again. I know I hurt Ryo. I do not remember it but I heard peeple talking about it. 

My scars itch. They are healed but they itch a lot espshully the ones on my wrists. I was very [scratchout] weak when they rescued me but I am better now. Mostly. The healers said I have lost muscles I must rebild. Many peeple came to see me when I was sick and that made me very happy. 

Ryo is ok now but he is also sort of mixed up with his feelings. Zenrozem is dead now. They killed him for good I think when I was recovering. I am glad and I feel bad for being happy. I still need work on Respect. 

Sometimes I think I will never be better at that and learn the other Paladin Pillars that the Justicar talked about. 

But he cannot hurt anyone now including me. But he was Ryo’s father I think? And that is not good. Ryo feels bad. I do not blame him. I would feel bad too. But he is not Zenrozem. I hope he knows that and feels better soon. Maybe Idella will talk to him. They are very cute together. Like a knight and a lady. If knights were VERY VERY large demon hunters and ladies were warlocks. 

(I am already Petal’s knight so it is good Idella has one becus I think she needs one.) 

(Look at my spelling! It is so much better now! I have been doing much reading since I was in bed a lot and could not move much.)

Kory was one of the ones who found me. I saw her first when I woke up. She told me I was home. I cried. I am so very very very very VERY MUCH GLAD for Kory and Sylvina, who is very nice too, and very smart. I would like to be in love with someone one day like they are in love with each other. I am very lucky and very glad to know her and be friends with her. 

Drakku is a nice Draeni preest. He came and healed me a lot and sat with me in the night a lot in the beginning. He asked a lot of questions about me. I did not like that but I do not think I am supposed to lie to preests or not answer them… They were all about what happened. In Gilneas. What I remembered, before. How I [scratchout] became this. He has not asked anything since. I am sort of glad but I feel bad becus I do not think he wants to make me feel bad even if he does.

Perieta (I do not think that is spelled right but I do not know how to ask without admitting I do not know and that makes me feel dumb) also came. She is a lady draeni preest and very nice. She tried to show me other meditation. It did not work as well as the one the Justicar and the monks showed me. Kaidesity was also there. She did not look well again. I hope she is ok. 

Blackwald talked to a druid named Auris who also healed me. She has a tiny baby dragon for a daughter. I did not know dragons were so small in the beginning. It ate from my hand and let me hold it while she healed me which made me happy. She is very [scratchout] perseptive and a lot like Sylvina I think. 

Lei Pan made me cookies. They were very nice. I was surprised becus she is sort of [scratchout] odd like Zen is but she is also very caring I think. I think she may be hurting some. I might like to be her friend more.

Mosur came to see me! I was very very very happy!! We sat on the cliff. I… do not know if he understands the wolf sometimes. Maybe it is becus he is a shaman and used to making deals with things. You cannot make deals with the wolf. It will eat you and then everything else. 

Etsiyona [scratchout] and I talked. Some. Kinda. She is so amazing to be what she is with that control. But she keeps wanting me to be more wolf. She is MOSTLY wolf, but she never… She said something to me though…. That Goldrinn was a protector for all his rage. The wolf has never been a protector. It’s only ever hurt people. 

Except for me. It has protected me. It protected me for the forth time when I was [scratchout] I am going to try to go in order of things. I will tell you later. 

Other things have happened that are important and I want to write them down. I hope I can remember it all. 

Sielic and I sent letters and this makes me verry happy. He says I need my own spear, and weapons made just for me and hopes I am well and practicing and not getting hurt more. He let his plant die. I sent him another. I hope we can be friends when I see him more. I am responsible for him a little and he is a Templar and he was a very good man once. I think if I can help him be better maybe I can help me be better too some maybe. Is that bad? I do not know.

Blackwald… Blackwald. He has made poor life choices lately. He is still my friend and I like him a lot and he is dear to me. However he is trying to fix it. He told the Justicar about the thing. 

I do not want to talk about Bryola. I do not want to think about Bryola. I do not like that I hate Bryola and I get really angry thinking of her and I want to kill her. Me. Not the wolf. Me. 

WHAT IS BLACKWALD THINKING?????

[This is underlined several times.]

But Zen said something about demons not having free will. But Bryola is [scratchout scratchout] 

I DO NOT KNOW. I do not want to know. I do not know if not wanting to know is an option. I do not know if this is respectful. I hate it. 

I hate that I hate it. 

I am not going to talk about Bryola anymore. 

I am not mad at Blackwald. I worry about him a lot. I hope he is ok and drinks less. He smells like alcohol a lot.

Lodianne is better and that makes me very happy. Very VERY happy. She deserves good things. I am glad she is well. I hope she has visited her father. 

I have not talked about Aunne or Petal or Uncle or the temple or sword dancing, or Elishtar and the almost sex and the Netherbane and the forth time, or the Justicar and what she said. But my hand hurts from writing and it is late and my candle is almost gone. More soon.

-CAEL