[Cael] Journal: Sorry Again and About The Sexing

Journal, 

I have slept and eaten and I have tea now and I am going to try to write the rest. 

I do not know where I would be without Aunne. I think she is one of my best friends. She stayed and listened even when I was sad and could not look at her much. She has a necklace now that makes her warm and so very happy and I am so glad. Aunne and the other death knights distracted the Legion so the other Templars could save me. I made her a friendship bracelet becus I saw other gilnean women making them for each other. I am bad at this and I cannot hug her yet but I wanted to do something.

[A few teardrops stain the pages.] 

She figured out I was having nightmares and could not remember where I was or if I was halloosinating again or if I was still THERE. So she gave me a jewelry. It is an ear thing. It is the first pretty thing I have ever had and it makes me very happy. I do not know why I like it so much but I do. And when I wake up now I know I am here becus I have the ear thing and I did not when I was THERE. 

Zenrozem is dead but he was one of some altirnat Templars who are evil from another time. I do not understand it but it is true. I saw Bad Kage. I tried not to hurt her and stop her but she got away even though the roof fell on her. 

[scratchout scratchout scratchout]

I cannot think about that too much or I will start worrying and never sleep agian ever. 

It is not respectful but FUCK ZENROZEM. Kory said that once and I agree. I have already not done well with being respectful so I will start trying again after saying that. 

The Justicar came to see me. She is [scatchout] always perseptiv. I think she knew what I was feeling bad from even if I did not tell her completely all the things. She healed me a lot and gave me rest. We were talking. I told her about the nightmare with the red wolf killing me. How I have trouble telling where I am some times. How I cannot remember some things. 

And she said [scratchout] 

She said that there may be a way to fix me. To remember or have more control or help keep my nitemares sepirat from my wakings. 

She didn’t say anything else, except that it would probably be very hard, like facing the Sha in Pandaris. They take forms of emotions. 

This could be very bad for me. 

But this could also FIX EVERYTHING. 

[scratchout] 

Unless what if it also makes me able to be controlled by demons? The wolf… the wolf has stopped that… I do not know. I do not know. 

I want it GONE. I want to be HUMAN. More than ANYTHING. Zenrozem offered me the deal. It is bad and I know I am bad for it but sometimes I wonder what would happen if I had taken it. But I would only be a monster who looked human instead of a monster who looked like a monster then. 

…I still have the dreams.

I want to talk about Petal and visiting her Temple and meeting Uncle and sword dancing but my wrist hurts. They heated the iron before they chained me. The demons. It burned. The scars and my wrist hurts sometimes. I will try to write the rest and then go soak it and rub it with the oil they gave me.

I need to talk to the Justicar and Kory or her or Kory. About some of that kind of stuff but also becus Kory and Sylvina are the happiest people in love I know and the Justicar is married so maybe she will know. I am going to talk about Elishtar Fangblade now and what happened and hope I do not sound as stupid as I felt. I want to ask them things. 

I need to know how to tell like REALLY tell when someone wants to do the sex. What the touches are and what the words are usually.

I need to know how to refuse politely and gently without hurting peeple’s feelings and feeling bad. I just… I want to focus on being a better fighter and being better with control instead of sexing. One thing at a time. 

I think I need to know how to say no better a lot more actually. I do not like saying no to people and I do not know why except that it makes me uncomfortable and I don’t know how to phrase it. I do not usually mind or care so it is not a problem but I did not stop it when I was feeling weerd about it and if I had I might not have accidentally almost hurt her. 

[scratchout] I will start over. 

I was in Dalaran looking for plant books. I saw Elishtar and some other demon hunters of the Netherbane, a group of demon hunters. I helped her before finding her daughter and one of the Templar mages scryed for her. She is very tall and very musclar and has long purple hair. She is like most other demon hunters. Nice but kind of intense a little. They were going to go hunt a cult mind controlling people. I think they would be good allies becus demon hunters are GREAT at killing demons!!Helping would be the right thing to do. They said I could come with them if I wanted so I said yes becus I had my weapons with my and no gard shift for sevral hours. I thought helping would make us be friends and we would work together better later maybe if we needed one another’s help.

So we did. There were soldiers there, about twinty and a captin. There was a saytir. She was controlling people and had stolen Elishtar’s sword which was very rude. 

I said to be sure to try and not kill the solders becus it is not their fault they were controlled. We engaged the enemy. I leeped at the saytir to try and kill her. I knocked her down and sent her running. The captin tried to hold me off as other demon hunters fought. We eventually got her. The Netherbane SHANDO (is this an elf word? I will ask Kory or Sylvina) said I did verry well which made me verry happy. I think Kory would have been proud. 

I sort of did a little. I held off the captin who was very skilled and stopped the saytir. She said some other things before she died but I do not know what the name meant. Elishtar did. She looked happy and asked to talk to me outside after. 

x

Cael stopped, massaging her aching wrist, and swallowed, remembering…

x

But… What is… What in the…? WHY had she- ….What was going on?

“U-U-Uh, I, U-Uh-” With effort, she brought herself back to the present. “T-The druids- i-i-it’s old. Um. T-T-There’s not much when it’s…. older like t-t-that I guess. They said it could hurt my mind. It’s f-f-fine.” She grins a bit (but her hands are shaking. Why are they shaking?) and adds, “T-Thank, thank, thankfully I-I-I’m not s’posed to TALK the L-Legion t-t-to death.”

Elishtar chuckles softly at that, shaking her head. “I truly wish it were that easy. Just send a few diplomats.” She smirked and her hands slide down from behind Caelryn’s ears down to her cheeks; Cael froze. She holds her hands there gently, casting her ‘gaze’ down to Cael’s hands. “Are you nervous?”

…This- wait. Wait. This was not- this was something else- this was different- Elishtar’s hands sliding felt like something she wanted to yank away from and never touch ever again but they were also weirdly good, very weirdly good, and she was very close all of a sudden, and taller than Cael for once in Cael’s brief life. Smells slammed into her like blows: exertion, blood, sweat, something warmer-spicy-soapy, a slight acrid tinge, the odd unique female-smell. 

Her throat was so close and alien hate and hurt and urge siezed her. Cael wrestled it to the ground, biting her lip, hands clenched, them and shoulders shaking. 

Paler gold eyes began to glow. 

This was wrong. What was this? Her legs wouldn’t move, wouldn’t obey, her brain a little short circuited, the wolf howling-

This was right. What’s going on? Back in it’s mental box, heat pounded in her face, blushing to the tips of her ears-

No, wrong, no, what- what’s- wait, how, what is she, when did she get so close too close way too close-!

“I-I-I-I- I, w-w-what, E-E-E-Elisht-t-t-t-t-tar, tar, tar, what is, w-w-what are, are you, what- w-w-w-w-what, what’re you-?”

Elishtar laughed heartily at the almost incomprehensible question from Cael, shaking her head softly. “Shhh, it’s nothing to be anxious about. We’re just enjoying each other’s company… You enjoy spending time with me… Right?” she said with a smile on her lips. A soft tongue darts across them and then is gone, leaving the look almost predatory, and she moved in close again, pressing herself tight against Caelryn.

The demon hunter smiled as she gently caressed the worgen woman’s cheeks, feeling the texture of her fur through the leather gloves Elish is wearing. She had always been a huntress, one way or another, and even though her prey is of a different nature, she felt herself closing in. Being cautious was important, Caelryn was obviously quite shy, and she felt all she needed was to apply steady, gentle pressure and the woman would submit to her own (and Elish’s) desires… Elishtar allowed herself a brief moment of fantasizing what that fur would feel like rubbing against her bare skin, how the textures of fur and tattoos and scar’s would interact… 

And the momentary daydream was nearly fatal. 

The wolf screams, and so does she, a strangled yell of “G-GET AWAY!”– something between absolute terror and absolute rage- both highly unusual for the young worgen. Cael’s eyes shift, right then and there in front of her, from that paler whiskey-honey-amber-gold to blazing, unholy molten copper, the kind of eyes from a nightmare, from the dark where slavering heaving breaths send puffs into a cold winter’s night. In magical sight, whatever aura she has is suddenly flooded with a second, very different one, tainting it like blood in water, reeking of death and hate. She YANKS herself away, just in time, because there’s maybe half a second where shock delayed her mental processes, and in that half a second, the wolf lunged with a maw of white teeth toward Elishtar’s face. 

They closed on nothing, because it was only half a second, and while the eyes remain burning in her sockets like suns trying to consume themselves from the outside in, the rest of her is very much Cael as she reigns it in, stumbles back, trips, falls, and lands hard on her ass in the dirt. The quick scramble to her feet would be almost comical under other circumstances, especially because she’s shaking like a leaf in a hurricane, and that makes her nearly trip up again as she backs away from Elishtar. Every single muscle is wound tighter than paino wire in fight-or-flight. She can smell her own fear, barely restraining the urge to kill and the urge to bolt in equal measure.

Breath comes in short, jagged gasps, and everything is too hot right now, too much. 

Caelryn yelled, and suddenly the daydream is broken, and everything moving in milliseconds. The worgen pulling back, muscles tightening, Elishtar allowed her instincts to take over, dropping down to a knee even as the wolf teeth flash and clatter before her face. She backpedaled two steps, hand going to the hilt of her recovered blade, and starts to pull it- and then Caelryn was on her backside in the dirt, away from Elishtar. 

“I-I-I, I, I, I’m s-s-sorry, I, I’m so, so s-s-sorry, I didn’t m-m-mean- what were you D-D-DOING- what w-w-was, why w-w-were, I- I- I c-c-can’t do, do touching- I’m not, w-w-what, why, how- theyhurtme and I can’t d-d-d-do touching and y-y-y-you, you, you- what the- wh-wh-wh-wh- WHAT WAS THAT?” she blurts. Word jumble, knotting in her throat because oh Goldrinn’s teeth and the Light she’d almost hurt her and she’s going to kill me and RUNANDFLEEORFIGHTKILLBLOODSWEETONTHETONGUE stop!

Heart thudding in her chest, she slid the blade back home, but didn’t take her hand off the hilt. Elish waited, listening hard to the jumble of words coming out of her friends mouth. After the final exclamation, she waits a moment, dissecting it, considering carefully her response. 

“…I… I’m sorry, I didn’t know..” she said softly, then shook her head. “That was me trying to seduce you… I don’t think I’ve ever quite had that response before…” she added and laughed nervously. “Are you… Are you alright?”

Everything still tingled, buzzing not unpleasantly, except at the it made a part of her want to run for cover too, as her heart thunders like galloping runehorns in her chest. 

Cael only registered the sword after she speaks, and shivers, abruptly, fear leeching into her agian despite her best efforts, but also shame. Elishtar shouldn’t have needed it no matter what happens. The fact that she did made her ears fall flat to her skull, shoulders hunching more, like to ward off a blow she instinctively expects. 

Hot and flushed and  strangely twitchy, she watched the demon hunter with those unnatural eyes, unsure, as Elishtar spoke very carefully. The strange crawling sensation faded slightly with distance, but lingered; so did that odd longing, the tingling that made her throat dry, made the hunter’s unique smell stick in her nose…. made her so very conscious of how little she was wearing, how the sunset’s fading light played on hard muscle under velvet skin-

What is WRONG with me? she thought, possibly the only clear thought in her head right now…

…Until the word “seduced” left Elishtar’s shapely lips and stopped it and all other actual thought rather like a butterfly hitting a train. 

“W-What?” Blinking- stops- stares. Wait. “…What?” She said again, by all appearances utterly poleaxed. 

Seduced. She knew that word-

So great was her surprise that the fire in her eyes flickered back to pale gold and then hovered in between the two colors as she gaped. 

“…W-Wait- what- you- what??” squeaked the young worgen. 

Several things become abruptly very, very clear:

The first, that Cael has likely not only never been seduced by anyone, but likely never had sex, at all, ever, in her memory… AKA: literal flaming virgin. 

The second, that she was incredulous that anyone like Elishtar would want to do anything with her.

And the third, that somehow, someone, somewhere, hurt her- not sexually, because she didn’t recognize what was happening until it was too late, but often enough that the hurts still lingers. The way she doesn’t make eye contact, the little flinches… avoiding physical touch.

“I… Um. Well, I wanted to seduce you. To… To sleep with you…” Elishtar says, sighing. She senses the danger has passed, and lets go of her sword, looking away as her face flushes a slightly deeper purple. “I enjoy your company, and I think your shyness is endearing, and …Like I said, fighting generally gets my blood pumping… So… ” She says and shakes her head, casting her gaze back to the worgen woman. “I’m sorry, again. I didn’t know…”

x

With a little swallow, Cael picked up the journal again, continuing. 

x

….We both sort of misunderstood one another and I think she was going to try and kiss me or some thing like that. I reacted [scratchout] badly. Her throat was too close. I am glad I was fast pulling back and she was faster going for her sword. We are still friends. We sat and watched the sun set together and talked. But I did not know, and I did not say no at the start or wait stop what are you doing and that… 

I think I need to know those things and be able to do that better to be a better Templar. I could not tell what was normal and what was wanting sexing. But it is all so confusing. 

I AM NOT GOOD AT THIS. 

I hope the Justicar or Koryander will be able to help me. I do not want to almost hurt people like that. 

I think I am also like Kory some. I might like girls maybe. I do not know if I like boys. Maybe? I remember I can be both. Esreiella told me so. I do not want to have sex with Elishtar but she was very pretty and made me tingly. Is that normal? I do not know. 

My wrist hurts a lot now so I will stop and write about Petal and other things later. I will try to find the Justicar or Kory. I need some advice. 

-CAEL