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The following is an IC journal by my witch, Idella. She’s been writing often while aboard the Scarlet Dirge with the crew, but only when alone. An interruption usually results in her hiding away the book into the side satchel of reagents and other supplies she keeps on her person. I add these details so anyone can incorporate them into the ongoing RP. This journal also references past events with Idella. PM me if you want to work with this hook.

How do you get back into something after so long?

Do they see it?

I can feel them watching, sometimes. Questions on their faces. It took me too long, I think, to settle back into how things were. Sometimes I still forget details or stumble on the right words, so not to alarm anyone. Sometimes it feels like a masquerade, but playing a role that feels at least somewhat familiar. Sometimes I end up acting note quite the right way and it raises eyebrows. Those eyes again, the ones with the questions. Once I committed to it, I thought it would be easier. After all, I know how to be Idella. I know who she is, what she’s like, who she liked. And sometimes it feels just right, more than any of the other times. And in a many ways, many things start feeling the same. But it all feels like everyone is waiting, expecting for things to pick back up where they left off. Like it’s just Idella in a phase and running everyone in a circle.

Sometimes I wonder when it will end like all the other times, when finally I wake up then fall back into it all again. Starting somewhere else. Who will it be this time? Boy or girl? How long will this one last? What will I find out? How long till I wake up again and start the next lifetime?

I lost count. So many tragedies, so many events that shook Azeroth and every life to the core. Sometimes I think that’s all she did: Live those lives just to see what it was like. To feel, to fear, to fight back against the inevitable. Not lose someone. This time isn’t like the other times. When I heard that Halo was lost in Naz’jatar, and all the people who planned to find it, it didn’t feel like the other times. When I lost people. This time it felt real, not like I was watching. It’s because Idella is how I started, right? That was the original one for me. All the others were just me watching someone else’s life playing till it ended. I felt deeply during the other ones, but everyone I lost was also someone I just met. For me, at least. Not for her. But these are the real ones. 

Sometimes I have to remind myself that’s how it is. Maybe this is it. Maybe this is what’s happening in real time and I won’t wake up. Maybe it’s true, maybe she’s gone. Maybe I really did beat her back somehow, and it wasn’t just imagined. Maybe I am back to who I was. Maybe I won’t wake up in another life and dream. Maybe I am back to me.

I just don’t know who that is. Now that everything isn’t being decided for me, I don’t care. If it’s not real, nothing matters. I can be and do anything. If it is real, does it matter that much, in the scheme of all things? I’ve seen how small one life is now, and all it has to do to matter. If it is real, doesn’t it also mean I can just be and do anything I want, anyway?

Do they even know?

Author Ari
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