Letter to Aunne

{{Response to http://templarsoftherose.net/trgn/journals/post/1593 by Aunne. Screw you and your damn feels inducing babies. That is all.}}

[In the typical poor handwriting, smudged now with dirt, a little. The ink is slightly different every few paragraphs, as if she stopped and started multiple times, writing it in sections.]

Aunne,

I do not mind if you write me things. I [scratchout] have been trying to write you back but it is hard and I am not good at it. There is too much to say and  [scratchout]  it all gets mixed up and then I get verry frustatd.

Blackwald cares verry deeply about peeple I think. He also worries a lot. I think he thinks I will brake too. But I also think that braking is [scratchout] [scratchout] deependent on the person too. He would brake if things happened to peeple he loves because he is scarred to lose them [scratchout] like he almost did before I think maybe on the ship. Then he gets angree and does [scratchout] dum things. I worry about that a lot. He is not a bad person but I keep finding [scratchout] peeple angree at him and then I get stabbed in the face also even if they are not bad peeple themselves. It is verry confusing and I do not like it that I cannot tell who is and is not bad.

I am glad you are finding Etsi. I hav been [scratchout] trying but I am not good at it like maybee other worgen are. What you hav sed sounds kind of scaree. [scratchout] And maybe not like her. But then she is verry much wolf like I am not. She is not two peeple. I do not know her verry well becus [scratchout] she keeps trying to help me be more wolf but I do not need that and I do not want it at all. I need to be as less wolf as posible. It is not the same for her I think wich is good.

But I do not think you are a monster and I do not think she is eether even if I [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] am always scarred of [scratchout] [scratchout] unded things and Etsiyona confuses me. I will be careful anyways and look for her more too if I can. 

I did not know what the Ebon Blade or an Archerus was and so I asked peeple around camp. I wish I could know and remember things better sometimes. They look at me weerdly when I do not know things sometimes. I do not know what you [scratchout] mean about Tirion or a Mograine being remade or being free like you talk about it. I will ask someone later. But I can sort of get an ideea from your writting though. 

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I think that [scratchout] choices are [scratchout] very important. Maybee the most important. [scratchout] I am not good at many things. [scratchout] [scratchout]  I am only good at fighting. [scratchout] But I chose what to fight for. If I have to kill things because it is the only way to help then I will but I have to [scratchout] [scratchout] choose the right things. And then I realized that I can protect peeple too not just fight and kill and I choose that now whenever I can. 

[scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] 

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I am bad with words and this is filled with errors and I am sorry. 

I think worrying about it makes you a [scratchout] better person than you maybe think you are. The Lich King seems a very bad man no matter what his name is or was. I think I am [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] I do not know the words. Maybee proud I think? We are friends. I am determined to be friends one day with you even if I never get over being scarred. 

Leaving a thing is hard. But [scratchout] [scratchout] choosing good is the most important thing. More than any organizashun or group of peeple even if those are your frends. If the Templars ever did bad things I would be very hurt. 

I do not have anything else. 

But I would still leeve if I had to. And I am glad you are leeving them if you think they are going down a bad road.

When you sed [scratchout] 

It is funny, but I am afraid – I do not fear ending, but… going on as I once was?  I would prefer to end first. 

I think I understand maybee a little bit. I chose that one time. It hurt but I am not sorree. I will not be what I was. I will die first before I brake my oths and hurt my friends and [scratchout] [scratchout] be the wolf. I do trust you at leest in my head when I can think about it [scratchout] [scratchout] logicly becus we are both Templars and we are [scratchout] comrads and [scratchout] friends.

I am not a good person to [scratchout] ask about right and wrong. I can only do what I feel and hope and pray that what I feel is right. But I will not let you be a bad thing, becus I do not think you are one, and [scratchout] I think you can be better also. 

I have reecently made a new fren much the same. He does things that are not right for good reesons, but he has been wrong with his [scratchout] reasons before, and I am hoping maybe he will do it less some. He is verry confusing and [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] exaspirating, and I worry he will evenshully find truble he cannot get out of. That is a new word I have lerned just for him, exaspirating. But he is still my fren too. 

[scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] 

I will not let you be bad. I promise. I am not good at things but I promise you that I will be your friend and I will not let you be bad, and if it comes to it, I will stop you if I hav to, [scratchout] [scratchout] but I do not think that will ever be the case. You did not control what happened to make you who you are but you control what you are going to do and I think maybee this will be what you become and that is why I do not think you will be bad, because you have that control and want to keep it and you want to be good.

[scratchout] [scratchout] 

I think maybee you can do the same for me maybe if you do not mind. I know Kory and the Justicar will kill me if I ever loose control of the wolf and I am glad becus I would hurt peeple and my friends. They have a responsbility to all the other Templars and it would hurt them but they would do it. [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout]  And I would also rather be ended than be what I was. 

If I ever [scratchout] lose control pleese kill me. [scratchout] I would want you to kill me. Other peeple maybe could but they would feel badly for a very very very very long time. And other peeple may not be able to at all or would not want to and then in that time I would hurt them. Do not try to talk to me if this ever happens. I do not have control all the time to choose so I am choosing now. 

Pleese just kill me. 

That would be best. 

[scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] 

I do not plan on dying though. I do not even want to really. There is a lot of work to do still and peeple to help and not a lot of peeple who can fight like I can. I think I am good at fighting. 

I think finding who [scratchout] [scratchout] you were is hard and I think it might be good too. I dreemed of Gilneas when [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] I was alone and I went to find it after and that is how I found my last name and my brother Remy even if he had died before becus those are important. Right? I think they are maybe. 

Was Seela your name? Mine was Caelryn, not Cael, even if [scratchout] I do not remember that person reelly. I think I was called Ryn for short not Cael but I have trouble remembering it all. And I am Cael now. It’s peeces and dreems and bits of things mostly.

I think maybe the Light is in everyone whether they like it or not and looking at it hurts if you aren’t used to it like maybe paladins are. But that does not meen it is not a good thing, also. [scratchout]

 Maybee it is like pushups. First they hurt but then they feel better becus you are getting stronger at the end. 

The Justicar says that part of respect helps bringing everyone closer to the Light, even enemees, who might not want it, and this is why some enemees try to be so bad to make [scratchout]  you act bad as well. I think this is an important thing too. We are Templars and we must be better than enemees even if it hurts us sometimes. 

If you find a weekness to the demon pleese tell me. I do not like him. He is [scratchout] [scratchout] verry dangerous for me becus he gets in your head and my wolf is there and [scratchout] [scratchout] I do not want to lose control becus of him. But I worry he will make me wich is why I asked you to kill me if it ever happens.

[scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] 

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I do not like writing sometimes but I am low on paper and I am sorree for the scratches. But I do not know how to say things sometimes. 

The demon turned me human. 

It was after when he [scratchout] [scratchout] tried to control me before and I would not let him and jumped insted. He had a [scratchout] device that took away magic which I guess is part of being worgen or the curse or something. But he turned me human and I was alone and quiet in my head and peeseful. 

And then I got turned back. 

[scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] It hurt. A lot. And I know why now you want to make him feer you becus he did the same to you but worse maybee and you are angry also. I have had more problems with my wolf since then becus I can remember what it felt like to not have a wolf and [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] I miss it. 

But pleese be careful also. I know you are angree and you want to hurt him for hurting you. But that is not justice. That is revenge. And revenge is wrong becus it isn’t about helping, it’s about making yourself feel better and that is not what we swore to do as Templars. 

I do not know if I am saying all this right. I hope saying this is ok and you are not angree with me. But hate is too easy. So pleese be careful becus if the demon makes you do things becus of anger and hate then even if you hurt him or kill him, he has won. 

I do not [scratchout] trust goblins but I have put the rock in a pot with the strange rose that was given to me. It is a very weerd flower but I have potted it anyways and maybe it will grow. I also have my [scratchout] sakura tree from Pandaria that the monks gave me. It is a pritty little pink tree, so small but it is an actual tree just very tiny. [scratchout]  It has not died yet so I must be doing ok taking care of it. I have a [scratchout] [scratchout] [scratchout] vrykul plant that is impossible to spell as well. I put it in a pot too. Helmets that are dentd make good pots if you make sure the seems are not leeking water onto the floor. 

I have sent you a seed from the sakura tree. I think you can grow things too becus you are not like them, only breaking things and taking life. The tree is so small I think it can travel with you maybee. 

I have written a lot and I am sort of proud of that. I think these letters may be helping me write better. I hope this finds you ok where ever you may be and that you stay safe pleese. 

Your friend, 

-CAEL