SWTOR Bedisa: Desert III

The ache was returning.

She sat in the calm, the centre of the storm, the pure and undivided Force flowing around, in, above and below her. Such clarity. Such grace. Perfection…

But she was still human. Mortal, yet, and the pains she had run from wafted in on the desert winds once again.

 There had been a moment, something, a force of presence that had disturbed the deep desert, even so far out. Pain. Emotion. Strength. She…yes, in some odd way, almost familiar. A knowing. Bedisa had reached out, and then more feelings, more presence, even in the depths of her trance. Halo, filled with a deep ache. Vie…oh, Viessa. Lost and wild and strong. Focus. 

She drifted back onto the desert winds. Someone else. That troubled her, set her mind on edge. Fear. Worry. That odd familiarity. Was she…yes.

The desire rose up in her again, stirred her thoughts. Focus. She lived in a space without desire, without the need for food, or drink, a moment that breathed and moved for an eternity, but the pain was rocking the foundations of her concentration. Lost. Brembal, I need you. 

I need you.

Her heart began to pick up speed. Ached. Torn asunder. She could feel him, if only for the briefest of moments, so far away. So far away. Her desire for him, her need, had not faded, as much as she had tried to lose herself in the desert. Why?

Why did he do these things? Just…Sith? Why did she love him? How could she still love him, when she knew? When he hadn’t changed, he wouldn’t change. Not for her. Not for anyone, she felt, and the thought whisked away again on the flows of the Force. No, that wasn’t fair. But he never….

She began to feel the grit of sand, the blaze of heat.

What could she do? The storm was approaching. The falling star was beginning to glow brightly in the heavens. Was she selfish, or a fool, or both. The centre of the storm. The Force. Breathe.

Sensation began to fade again. The pain dulled. The Force gave solace once more. It was truth. They each had their lives to live. Their own threads to weave. 

There is no good…

Power. Strength. Cruelty and arrogance and passion, and yet, in the heart of him, she felt, something greater then the sum of his parts. 

There is no evil…

She needed to stand. She needed him. She needed to let him know. He was in danger, and that danger…he hurt others. Hurt her. The time for waiting was over.

There is no light…

She felt the Force move. Now, maybe, was the time. 

There is no darkness…

Memories. A little girl, dwarfed by the mighty pillars of the temple, seeking the hand of the master who brought her to be tutored. Seeking comfort, warmth, and having him smile gently, kind, always kind, but distant. Taking her hand away and then lightly pushing her towards the group of other trainees. 

There are no shadows…

Doubts. Uncertainty. A girl, a little older now, human and subject to all the chaos of human puberty. Emotions, tumult, and a yearning for answers, going to the master who oversaw her studies. Again, the gentle smile, the nods, but the distance. Always the distance. Telling her to control them. Warning of attachments. Turning her away.

There are no secrets but what we create…

She felt the trance, for the moment, grow deeper. More memories. All those secret doubts. Studies into the nature of the force. But the desire to be good, to fulfill her duties, to be the good Jedi. No attachments. Live beyond the need for such emotional comfort. There is only the Force. Truth, oh, so true, but how…

There are no gods. There are no spirits. There is only energy.

And a man, strong and proud and charming, older, but reaching out to her. Causing the buried feelings to stir. Craving. She wanted that touch. Wanted to feel, to love, grasping after years of denial and distance. That…that was not the Force the Jedi should teach. Deprivation, not control. To deny hate was to deny love and…she felt for him again. She had needed him. Wanted what she had been denied.

There is only the Force.

She gasped through her tears, rising to her feet as the trance faded. Began to walk, in a half daze, serene, eyes bright. All this did not lessen the truth of her love. The Force would guide her. 

There is only the balance.

She could find her path. She could face him…face them again. She must. There was something out of balance within her. But she could face it.

Passion comes in many forms.