I need to be strong.
Brembal is many things, deceptive, complex, honest. Cruel. Angry. But loving, in his way, and as he always says, passionate. He is a tempest of a man and I am a very young woman caught up in his storm.
His words of accusation have struck me. He is right, in a way, and I have been foolish. Some would say, including Halonan, that I am foolish for ever having fallen for him, for his words, his manipulations. I have no doubt that there has been some of that. But my feelings for him are what they are, and whatever he may have said or spoken to me, in inspiring these feelings, the Force has been beside me, and if I were not meant to love him, then I would not. I would know.
But love comes at a price, now, and a price I am willing to pay. I thought, I assumed, that to make peace I would have to bow my head and betray my own principles. I thought I had to lie to the Council, that I could keep both worlds, to sneak off to Tattooine and have my time with him, and pretend I had reformed to keep rumours and whispers at bay. But…why? This secret would always plague me if I had. I feel shame even now at Brembal’s words. That I would hide him, that I would lie about him. Even as dangerous as he is, I love him, and whatever he may say or think or believe, I have always had my own doubts about the Order. I am not the Jedi for them, nor should I be. I do not belong there.
I want my freedom. I want to study, and question, and love. I want to meditate and seek the peace of the Light, and bring a balance to Brembal’s Dark. To live in harmony, as the Force should be, a perfect balance of both aspects of human nature. I want the freedom to feel emotion, and as I know now, that it does not rule me, that anger can exist and then pass on. The Order taught me how to manage my emotions, but their motivations were misplaced. I need strength to do this.
I rely on Brembal, on his love, his passion, and his strength, but I do not look to that as my sole source of steadiness. Some of this must come from myself. If I am to leave the Order, as I eventually must, sooner or later, I must have the strength to rely on my own peace, my own calm and assurance. To make changes that will move my life, and accept them, and despite all their disapproval and perhaps even punishment, that the Order will see me as a good person still, with pure intentions in service of the Light.
I do not plan to make the break sudden, or dramatic. The Order is caught up in the business of the Republic and the troubles with Zakuul and Arcann. They are focused there, and do not have the time to worry about what one young, new knight may do with her life. I am not a creature of violence, nor will I be. That speaks to my favour and hopefully my freedom. I will be silent, and leave my flat, and disappear from their communications.
I am not so naive as to think that my plan is fool proof, but I have some little confidence, and I have strength.
And I have the peace to face them, with love and with my love.