I cannot allow myself to give in to guilt. I must stand against it, and not allow it to corrupt any further then it already has. But it is very hard. It is…very hard.
The lessons I have learned since him have been hard taught, but it is well they were for I feel the harsh reality of pain and painful mistakes was the only thing that cut through my sheltered existence. Even now I have not had an ounce of the life that others have. With what my masters on Tython have said… desire. Desire can be the route of all pain. Desire for power, for wealth, for titles or reputation, lust, greed… hatred and anger and all the paths to the dark side can be brought down to not great emotion or lack of control, but desire. Even good things, in a way, can bring us pain through desire.
I have desired. I have lusted. That desire and lust has guided me to things that to this day I cannot speak of, that betrayed my princples and my soul, my crime that much greater because I allowed my actions to affect others. To affect innocence. To betray my friends. I have caused harm for which there is, there should not be forgiveness.
The guilt is a very heavy burden.
I cannot speak on it so often. It is selfish, self pitying. This burden may lie with me forever, but there are ways to repay it. To bring healing instead of death. To grow strong with the Force, to bring balance and harmony to others. To bring healing… I feel a great deal of pain around me. It cuts deep. It stings. And further off, another. One I cannot touch.
I must ask the captain again what I can do to help. I can reach out, I do not fear the voice in the shadows. But I must meditate more, because he saw my weakness, he knows of my emotion, but he may not yet feel the weight of my guilt. I cannot allow him to bring more harm. I hope the child cannot sense it either, for she is stronger then she realizes.