I do not choose to sink into despair. This feeling, this…inexorable desire, which at times has overwhelmed me, is not what matters at my core. There is a time coming where my emotions, my feelings, will matter not as they should, not in his presence, and not in the presence of my friends.
I have been ruled by passion, by the very thing I was taught to be wary of, to distance myself from, yet from my very waking moment it has been what has driven me. In my heart of hearts I am a creature of emotion, what the Jedi could not ever drive out of me, what I have to this day repressed and fought against and be blind to. Mayhap out of fear, or wilfull design, but there the feeling and the thoughts lie. This is who and what I am. A creature of parts, of warm heart and cold efficiency, of love and of anger. Of Jedi stoicism and the awakening of something greater then the balance of the whole.
I am not a Sith, I am not a creature motivated by such desire, by such passions. I am not driven by ambition, nor do I claim to enjoy the dances and manipulations of the courts of the Empire, or their intrigues. This is not where *my* passion lies. This is not where I find myself driven. There is a greater beyond, in the wholeness of the Force, that both Sith and Jedi and every person who calls themselves Force aware can but hope to touch upon in their lifetime. I myself, who have pushed the limits of human ability, who lay within the blazing heart of the desert and endured it’s heat, it’s unmerciful and unforgiving emptiness, can only but hope to have seen a glimpse of this whole.
We all have our paths to tread, this is true. I know this better now, I know that my own fears, my own emotions, my love and my hatred and my anger, are all a part of the greater whole. There is no shame in this. I feel no shame in this. But that does not mean we, as individuals, as members of this galaxy, Jedi or Sith or Zakuul, leave no imprint upon others, do not weave our threads with those around us. A dichotomy of sorts, it can be said. I must stand for this. I must stand beside them, and for him, and recognize my own place in the universe. In the whole of the Force. But I will not fall to it, nor will I allow myself to be the one to bring the fall to others.
What happens will happen. I am not afraid, though I have fear. I will speak my mind, clearly, and I will hear him as well. I can only speak, and he can only hear, whether or not those words impact his heart or mind I cannot claim to know. He walks his own path, but it is still part of the greater tapestry, and if he wishes to rule that path, to become a greater part of the whole, to gain the power and the true wisdom to seize the destiny he so desires, I will at least speak my right and claim as well the words to him. I will have a voice before him, and he will know my heart.
I have emotion, and oh, how they rule me, but they do not control me. Nor will any other man or woman after this.
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