I think perhaps I was unprepared. And that is an understatement.

This life, outside of Tython, is far, far more complex then I could have imagined. These emotions, far more powerful. I thought I could manage it, with meditation, with my logic. I was always told I was one of the more level headed students back at the Order. I disagree with the rules of the Order, it’s dogma. I could handle it. 

What a *storm* came!

I did exactly what my instructors warned against. I let my feelings overwhelm me, cloud my judgement. I rode the storm of feelings that the wide galaxy battered me with and let myself fall into the depths. I thought things would be clear, but they are not. It is not a case of black and white, but shades of grey. There are glimpses of deepest black, yes, and the most brilliant white, but everything in between is muddled. 

I let my prejudices linger, too. 

But. There are still some truths left. My vision was not incorrect. 

I cannot hope to apologize to Captain Rees. I want to say something, I want to let her know I can help. But it’s not my place to apologize for him, nor should it be. There is likely very little I *can* say to her. But I do trust him. I know him better, now. The child will not come to harm, at least, and he has gentle spots that others do not realize. I will continue to watch and despite his anger, I’ll still think well of her. And hope, oh I want to hope, for Halonan. I want to hope my friends won’t despise me, especially dear Viessa and Sian’li. 

I need to take a time apart again. I will go out into the desert again and spend a few days meditating. Clear my head, calm my emotions. Find the balance I have been very desperately seeking. Now, perhaps, I know myself better. For good or bad. 

Author Wallaroo
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