How I wish I could bring this before the masters… my head is spinning, and for once I am unsure on how to proceed. My whole life, nearly my whole life, I have been taught that passion, attraction, are things to be moderated and controlled, and that they have no place in the proper procedures and philosophy of a Jedi. My personal feelings are such that I feel there can be perhaps a little room for others to feel as they wish…love is a positive emotion, is it not? Nature being what it is, the drive to love, to enjoy physical company, is something that is impossible to suppress.
But I’ve never been greatly inclined to feel that way. I was a little afraid, maybe, and I never felt any great urges in terms of physical attraction. I’ve never been good at talking to people, and the diplomatic training was never my strongest discipline. Only recently before my knighthood did I obtain enough of a degree of competency in it to feel comfortable engaging in the requirements of that aspect of the Order.
But now this man brings forward a greater intimacy then I have ever experienced, and I feel so shaken. I’m having greater trouble meditating then I ever had before. And it is not only that he moved so closely to me, or that he is Sith. It is the words he spoke within our shared mind, the feeling I felt when we used the Force in tandem. I could feel the Light side of the Force, so clearly, and I could feel him, wreathed in shadow, with the glimmer of the Light within him. I could feel, for a moment, how both Light and Dark were part of a whole. Maybe. It was so brief, and when I realized what he was encouraging me to do, what we were doing together, I lost my concentration. Lost it entirely, and drew away.
I had begun to theorize that there is, maybe, no Light or Dark, simply a single, powerful Force, shaped by our experiences, by our mentalities and separate philosophies. Our lives and personalities. But I felt the Light Side so clearly…and what I found so disturbing is how much more I felt and saw together with him.
And even so, I do not feel drawn to the Dark Side. I see it there, and I am fairly impartial. And even with all this…emotion…all these feelings swirling in my head and heart, I am still firm in my devotion to the Light. I still believe in the laws and guidelines of the Order, although I believe they are not without flaw.
I am still afraid. I need time for my emotions to calm. I do not think I will seek out this man again, even for the purposes of my research. I’ll settle the questions and thoughts within my own mind first. Yes. I should not speak with him again too soon. Even though…even though… no. No. I should wait.